I see you in everything. Ikaw lang din ang lagi kong hinahanap. Hinahanap ko yung jokes mo. Hinahanap ko yung tawa mo. Hinahanap ko yung pang-aasar mo. HInahanap ko yung kapag nagkukwento ka at manghang mangha ako sa utak mo kasi ang dami, daming laman na sobrang interesting. Sobrang mahal kita. Gusto kita makausap ulit. Gusto kong kwentuhan mo ko ulit. Gusto kong makita ulit ang mukha mo. I wish you'd stay in my life. I'm so pathetic for still wanting you. But that's my truth, and I'll never be ashamed of admitting how much I want you in my life. I miss you so, so much.

Im not sure what changed because I never used to feel/be like this.

Without sounding corny, I’ve always been a person surrounded by a lot of love in my life because I felt *so* much love. For my friends, family— things like that made it so easy to always be surrounded by people who made me feel cherished. It wasn’t one sided either— my friends in particular meant the world to me. I just really loved people.

Characteristics like these kind of always made me a magnet to a lot of “lost” people who wanted to be seen.

I had a motto that there is always something to love about someone, so I ignored things like personality flaws, clear indicators of concern, etc.

I remember this one boy always being close to me. He showed interest, and I shot it down nicely. He just seemed so miserable for so long after I did that. I decided to date him, because I didn’t want him to feel miserable.

He was really sweet in the beginning, and I sincerely grew to love him. There is something to love about anyone, and if you try hard enough you can love everyone.

I was too trusting, too naive, and I hate how I had to have my worldview shattered in the most damaging way— you can probably imagine how. And it took a long time to work up the courage to leave without thinking that anything he would do to himself afterwards may be my fault.

I’ve already gone to therapy. Every “grown” adult in my life knows. I’ve tried everything, and it’s been 3 years but everytime I wake up I’m still 16. Every time I think I’m still 16. Every dream I have, I’m still 16.

I can fake being okay but it’s so hard to care these days.

I can’t make friends anymore because I’ve turned into the “lost” people I talked about. Someone who’s dealing with something very deeply and internally. Except I’m not waiting to be saved or understood. I just want to be me again. I want to go back in time and meet the young girl I was and apologize for not protecting her. I want to tell her that she can tell people, that he isn’t her responsibility, and that she is never wrong for choosing to love. There’s evil in the world sometimes, but never be sorry for choosing love.

Of course, I can say that to myself now, but it doesn’t really do much. No matter how many times I forgive myself, my mind still feels fractured, and I am a very different person.

I’m attending an Ivy League university on full scholarship, but I can’t seem to motivate myself to make friends, go to class, etc. I go to class most of the time, and talk to people most of the time, and I have a lovely boyfriend, but I can’t seem to be in the moment with this fog in my mind. It’s like existing on auto pilot.

I feel like this goes against community guidelines to deep debrief on my mental state, but honestly I just want to vent. I’ve tried journaling, therapy, etc, but everything just seems so hopeless.

I don’t live with my parents because they’re not in a state to care for me (drugs, emotional abuse, no financial or housing stability), and my support network is pretty quant because I’ve made it that way. I can’t continue to hang out with people and pretend I’m fine without feeling genuine connection to anyone or anything.

Sincerely, this is sort of just sad.

How do I talk to people who actually care and aren’t just going to bully me, mock me, sexualise everything, or treat me like I’m annoying for trying to have a conversation?

How do I find people who are actually worthwhile talking to? Where are they? What am I supposed to do differently?

At this point it genuinely feels like half the internet is bots and the other half is bullies, trolls, or perverts. I know that obviously can’t literally be everyone, but after enough bad interactions it starts feeling that way.

I swear it didn’t feel this difficult a few years ago. I used to feel like you could just go somewhere online, talk about something you liked, and eventually find people you clicked with. Now every attempt at socialising feels like walking into a minefield.

I don’t want to become completely isolated. I want people to talk to. I want actual friends. I just genuinely don’t understand how I’m supposed to find decent people when so many spaces feel hostile or exhausting.

How do you actually find people who are kind, patient, and interested in talking to you?