Hello, I am a 27 year old college student & I am embarrassed to admit I need some major help. Currently studying for COMPTIA A+ for my college cybersecurity program. All I literally have to do is listen to the lectures, take notes, do a little practice quiz, etc. However the issue is my brain. I will try so hard to focus on my schoolwork & my brain will do one of 3 things.
1.) Think about topics that I actually want to do, like a fun activity, or something that I want to buy, or something completely off topic but I love. Literally I will be thinking of everything else but my lecture.
2.) I will try and fall asleep. & It won’t matter when. Even if it’s after I first wake up, it’s like I took sleeping meds my brain will literally shut down.
3.) I will muster all I can to listen word by word. Almost as if I am putting all my mental strength in a straight jacket and using all that I can muster to focus on understanding my work. & All that I will hear essentially is Charlie Brown’s teacher sounds. I don’t understand a single thing that my professor is talking about.
My mentality was for a minute — just to keep showing up and eventually something will click. Keep showing up trying to understand and eventually. I will catch on. But I sat at my desk yesterday, desperately trying to understand for hours, and I fought back tears because I didn’t understand any of it. I had sat there for over 3 hours trying to. I refuse to go into my 30s without something to show for it. My fiancé is also in cybersecurity and he is supposed to be teaching me. However, I’m also a grown woman, and I can’t possibly expect him to sit side-by-side and grab my hand and walk me through every single piece of it. Even when he tries to explain it to me it’s on such a high-level that I don’t get it. He naturally gets it and he is unfortunately not that good at breaking things down for me.
A few factors as to why I think this is. Firstly, whenever I was younger, a teacher who had a weird personal vendetta against me told my mother that she believed I had a learning issue, and she recommended that I put on ADHD medication. So at the age of seven or eight, they put me on a high dose of Adderall. I will never forget how much that changed my brain and the world around me. I had quit the medication cold Turkey sometime in middle school. Since then, I’m not sure if my brain has ever went back to normal. I’m not even sure if that’s what this is.
* trigger warning (abuse)
Another factor might be I have experience some pretty insane and intense trauma, from being strangled I almost lost my life, and my brain was without oxygen for a chunk of time. The doctor’s working with me said had it been any longer I probably wouldn’t have made it. I don’t want this to turn into a trauma dump fest. I do think that that is an important part of this though. Being as how shortly after that, I had trouble formulating sentences like normal.
Obvious factor is just how much I’ve probably fried my attention span with things like TikTok and cheap dopamine checking my phone in the mornings.
I thought it was my phone all of this time so I even purchased a lockbox to lock my phone up until the time goes off that I want myself to focus on studying. However, I’m realizing that is not it at all. It’s truly just my brain. And I know this sounds like a load of BS and I’m throwing myself a pity party. I’ve been around people like that. However, I’m promising you. I’m just trying to understand how I can keep my focus whenever I’m studying and actually absorb the lecture. Because yes, I can sit there and listen to the lecture and take notes but if you asked me after the lecture was over what we talked about, I couldn’t tell you.
Please, if anybody has ever experienced this and somehow figured out a way to help yourself focus and actually understand the material, please feel free to comment anything that may have helped you even just a little bit.
I want desperately to be a functioning part of society & make my years of suffering mean something, I want to prove to myself I can do it despite what my challenges have been.