I never got help for the decade I spent investigating homicides, suicides, overdoses, accidents, and otherwise unattended deaths. I gave those decedents pieces of me that never grew back.

I was put in harm's way investigating chemical suicides, was exposed to antrax and had to take cipro twice. I had to pull manged bodies that were mutulated beyond belef from cars, and decomps that would explode with maggots.

I've stood next to murderers, I was forced to witness an execution. I was once used by police as "bait" to arrest a wanted person by armed officers.

I was literally denied help by firefighters to get bodies out of apartments several times. The attitude was to suck it up and look down our noses at debriefing that police and firefighters got for emotional support. My bosses abused me. I was ground up by a "good old boy" generation and left unemployed.

Every therapist I've talked to has frozen and either admitted immediately that they can't help me, or ghosted me.

I've barely scratched the surface.

I just need to vent and maybe get some answers, because I feel like I'm losing my mind.

For some background, my trauma started way before any relationship issues. When I was just a kid, my family essentially abandoned me. I lived with my grandpa, but he passed away after just a year. I then moved in with my grandma, and she died less than a year later. Losing both of them back-to-back completely broke me. I remember crying for 12 hours straight. I was just a little kid, incredibly depressed, sitting alone in that house. Around the same time, I found out my parents were getting divorced. It was absolute hell.

Fast forward to middle school. I was a decent, quiet kid, and this girl in my class started talking to me. She brought color back into my life. We started doing everything together—cleaning duties, group projects, exams, you name it. We had this "situationship" going on for about 10 months. Honestly, I did everything for her. I basically carried her academically to the point where I made sure she got 1st place in our class (I took 3rd). Even when she was sick and missed school, I covered for her and helped with her exams. She never really reciprocated, but I didn't care because I was in love.

My plan was to finally confess my feelings to her after she got that 1st place ranking. But the second we got back to school, she completely ghosted me. She ignored me, left me alone during our usual chores, and just acted like I didn't exist. Then, I saw it on Facebook: she was officially dating another guy in our class.

I felt incredibly betrayed and used. I blame myself for not confessing sooner, but part of me always felt like I was too ugly to be loved anyway. I genuinely thought she cared about me. Having to sit there and watch them be all over each other for a whole year while I pretended to be fine completely shattered whatever was left of my mental health.

Since then, I’ve developed massive trust issues. I'm terrified of being hurt, used, or abandoned again—not just in real life, but even in online/virtual spaces. I'm just so sick of it all.

Now, two years later, it’s manifesting physically. Whenever I get stressed or triggered by heartache or trauma, I experience these intense episodes. My body literally overheats, and it feels like all my organs are failing. It's terrifying.

I don't really understand why this is happening. Does severe trauma really mess you up this badly physically? Has anyone else experienced their body shutting down like this?

TL;DR: Abandoned as a kid, lost both grandparents back-to-back, and parents divorced. Later got completely used and ghosted by my middle school crush who dated a classmate instead. Now, my PTSD triggers physical episodes where my body overheats and feels like it's shutting down. Wondering if physical symptoms this bad are normal for trauma.

Ive been isolated for so many years just six months ago the idea of attending a concert with friends would have been overwhelming. But a lot can change when you realize that you have already faced the worst moments of your life and you survived them. I survived war. I survived years of reconstruction surgeries. I survived the pain. I survived the unalive attempts.

I can survive this concert... and maybe even find the joy again.

I guess my gummies have kicked in.

Wish me luck!

Never posted before so i hope ive put it in the right place.

i had to deal with some trauma a few years ago that put me in a horrific place that ive recently got therapy for. to keep a long story short i lived with a paranoid schizophrenic who threatened to kill me, hung up loads of nazi flags and collected weapons. made my life hell. i dealt with it not very well and my paranoia was off the charts. although it happened 2 years ago now, i think about it every day. it can send me into a complete spiral.

had my first therapy session recently and my therapist was horrified with the stories i shared or my thought process. and she highlighted how traumatic this is and says i have to take this trauma a lot more seriously. to this i was very angry and i refused to believe i did. i think people with ptsd have gone through so much worse than i did. so i really was struggling to understand why my situation was in that bracket. now its been a couple days it feels like a huge weight off my shoulders, and i want to learn more about how to process trauma. so i was hoping i could get some advise on how people learned to crack on with life post trauma.

she also mentioned i may be neurodivergent and thats why i let it overwhelm me as much as it has. so ive got a lot to learn. any advise is appreciated :)

Well, that's the question.

Does anyone suffer from severe concentration issues? How was the doctor able to resolve it so you can go back to work?

I’m fish girl. The girl that can’t be around the smell of fish without a flash back. My mum gets really annoyed at me because she doesn’t think it’s fair that other people can’t eat fish around me just because I get ‘upset’ every time.

However, she works in ICU. And has previously been through EMDR from experiences at work. But also has difficulties following a tumour removal surgery I had and lost lots of blood (I have little memory of this even though it was only a year ago lol)

But she looks down on me, and thinks it’s silly. But expects me to be accepting of that 😭.

She doesn’t know the full extent of the trauma but knows parts. But I also can’t explain in full.

Anyone else experienced similar? How did you manage ?

No matter what I do I can’t turn the anxiety PTSD hypervigilance internal alarm system off when I’m in my apartment, only the apartment. My brain and whole body believes and feels with certainty that it’s under attack, I live in SYDNEY Australia, I used to live in Wellington New Zealand, a way smaller city. Cars will run you over here. There’s so many fucking people, I can’t breathe, but I’m stuck here for now unfortunately. I have no money, but studying a course at TAFE to some day get a job. I used to be a prostitute and I got raped while being one so I deal with fear of falling asleep and going to bed and sitting still at any moment makes me feel like a predator is coming to rape me now. Constant anxiety, brain believes that the upstairs neighbour is coming to rape me every night.

Any book recommendations or advice.

I’m a CSA and physical abuse survivor and genuinely can’t get the nightmares to stop. I’ve tried regular sleep medication, sedatives, marijuana, my current med, but it doesn’t change, nearly every morning I’m waking up devastated. So much happened and no matter how much I change in my life I can’t escape it, I just want peace. I’m tired of waking up scared.

I really hate how people say after a trauma you are not the same person. I feel like I have always been the same person and why should I have to be a different one after? If anything it feels like I can't change because of it. It's the people around me that made the changes. How they look at me and treat me changed. I just dealt with the repercussions. I still feel like it holds me back and I really hate that.

​

I am referring specifically to someone who has experienced severe trauma from childhood till adulthood. It is their own suffering, and they've grown exhausted from dealing with their mental health. They are so tired from trying all the time, for years, that they suddenly become inconsiderate and un-empathetic to the feelings of others, even their closest loved ones.

might delete later

yesterday something weird has happened. the teacher told us to write down our desires & talents- i know this isn’t something we should do in 2nd grade highschool but whatever. it went just fine until i read mine for the second time. i thought it was cute that i tend to attract animals, especially birds from the neighbourhood and butterflies due to my bright hair that they like to try and eat. so, i went for it because i wanted to be unique - the only reason because i had nothing else so amusing in mind. and for some reason i hear giggles. not just the “aww” type way but rather “did she really say that…?” type of snickers. mind you, this has occurred earlier, just quieter so i ignored it. i know my classmates are kind of immature (yes, we’re 16 but that nothing i said was funny. i’m happy of my latest accomplishments.)

the humiliation creeped in. that random situation set me back to sixth grade where if i said anything ‘wrong’ like, admit that i don’t have homework done they would laugh. i have ptsd, thus i came to this subreddit to tell how bad i felt. for further context i was bullied way more in primary school yet no matter where i’d go, it was a struggle. i panicked and wanted to harm myself as this is what i often do with no regrets.

look, i generally don’t care about what people say to me but it’s worse when they criticise me just like that. i’m a sensitive person that goes to therapy for who knows how long already and i don’t want to end up on antidepressants as i was threatened.

on my way home i was saying stuff to myself like “they are blind” “they are npcs that would never see the world in a truthful way” “at least animals like me” i did this” “i did that” etc.

now, what i was wondering about. i’m someone “conventionally attractive” as people would say so i’ve got absolutely no idea why i’m (or should i say was) being bullied (by both genders too). back when i was younger, i’d obviously wear childish clothes and that resulted in me being bullied. okay.
i now have a quite unique wardrobe (nothing extravagant either) and i’m still being shit on. maybe it’s the fact that i always sit alone during breaks? but so do a few of my other classmates so no idea. the way i dress? honestly, i don’t know. probably not.

i just wanted to say, that currently i’m not being objectively bullied!! sad situations tend to happen. except for this, i remember how i once collaborated with my teacher and we ‘taught’ together for three lessons and at the end i asked if it was fine and the only reply i’ve got was “when are you getting new shirts?”. they do it silently, if anything. it’s funny how they can say that from the distance but never irl feel so bold lmaooo

i still feel heartbroken.

I don't know what to do anymore, it's taken over everything. The wife left cause she couldn't handle it anymore and I don't blame her, she deserves someone better. Recently lost my job due to having something pop up while at work. Money is dwindling and there isn't much left. I can't seem to escape it. These days everything seems to send me back there. Every sound, every smell and I'm back. I don't want to go back there, but I'm powerless to stop it. Help

This might be the first time I’m really realizing that’s what this is, even though it’s been going on for almost 7 years now?!

Every September I start randomly throwing up after I wake up and feeling like absolute shit. Normally my anxiety skyrockets. Rn feel like I can’t focus on anything. My brain fog is horrible and my stomach keeps cramping. It doesn’t help that there’s no one traumatic incident I can concretely pin this to, and tbh they keep happening at this time of year anyway.

I think I’m finally admitting it now because I finally started a daily anxiety medication that’s been pretty effective, and I’m STILL having horrible gastric symptoms and fatigue for no reason. Im in therapy but they won’t address my ptsd at all, even though I’ve asked for EMDR. I don’t really like my therapist either but it seems all the other ones at the practice are booked (I’ve asked).

Edit: I also just remembered I’ve been having nightmares too. I actually smoke weed regularly specifically to block out my nightmares but sometimes when it’s bad, the worst ones will break through.

Hi I’m 18f . I recently got diagnosed with PTSD due to severe bullying back in my senior year high school so about over three months ago. and just for some context, I was bullied from elementary to high school graduation.

I’m not too sure how to cope and I feel like my PTSD doesn’t count or it wasn’t that serious. I’m not gonna get into very descriptive detail, but I had some old friends of mine essentially use me as a scapegoat for their own drama that they were having creating a smear campaign and ruining my name in our small school. There was a lot of psychological stuff and manipulation that they used essentially making me feel like I was playing the victim and making it feel like it was all my fault. I still have nightmares about it to this day as they went out of their way to harass me to ask for apologies despite everyone taking their side anyways.

They were pretty popular so the staff didn’t believe me either and they got away with everything. This was all over some stupid boy. we were all in a mutual friend group, and he cheated on his girlfriend with the other two girls in our friend group so to derail from their wrongdoings, they decided to make me their scape goat and I still never understand why.

I’m not too sure where to even get started breaking down this trauma, and I wanna know if it’ll ever get better?

i got diagnosed with PTSD in may. i’ve had episodes before but now that i know what it is and am informed on the symptoms, i’ve been having a really difficult time coming back from them. i’m currently in treatment and i think some of the processing is dredging up old memories and whatnot. i had horrible nightmares last night and didn’t sleep. my guard was down and i think i just exhausted myself early on in the day (required teaching duties) and that left some defenses down for a flashback and physically painful panic attack. i had to miss one of my grad classes because i couldn’t get out of bed and i also had to miss my symphony rehearsal tonight because im so so tired i can’t drive or think or anything. i want my life back so badly. :(

Trigger warning, SA

I was sexually assaulted at work (over my clothes), it's been months and I'm still really struggling to go back. Everything about work reminds me of what happened and the way it is there, it's not unlikely it could happen again. What can I do to help with the fear and anxiety when trying to go back? I tried a beta blocker but it makes me feel awful and Hydroxyzine helps a little but makes me too tired to use at work.

So basically I went in for a consultation with colorectal surgery and he asked my dad if he wanted to say or leave the room and we were both confused because no one had said this was going to happen and I couldn’t prepare myself. I couldn’t even pull my clothing down before standing up and saying I can’t do this and crying. I’m so embarrassed. I have to get it done under sedation now and the process is a lot longe, I might even get surgery and they won’t know until I’m already under 🙂

I apologize if this is not the right place for my post. First time posting here. Bullied as a child. Did have friends but always on the fringes of the cool girls. I’m now an adult and am grateful for my life. But when I feel that someone in a group doesn’t like me it takes me back to my childhood. Today was in a meeting for an event. Like all attendees but one. She’s never been nice to me. I call her Queen Bee. I can suggest something and she will negate the idea. Someone else will say the same thing as me and she’s saying it’s the best idea ever. I don’t act like me when she’s around. Today I just got up and left. I thanked her for hosting. Didn’t say goodbye to anyone. I’ve been in a funk all day. I hate feeling like this. Not currently in therapy. PLEASE be kind with your responses. TIA.

Hi! I have lived with complex PTSD for over a decade at this point. This summer I was able to finally receive relief from my triggers and flash backs with accelerated resolution therapy (ART).

While I feel completely different after the past three months, I still feel fairly numb and find myself unable to enjoy things.

For example, peach is my favorite flavor. If I sit down with a peach tea and force myself to focus on the flavor I will enjoy it. However if I'm slightly distracted or drink it while driving I don't notice the flavors or sensations. It's simply a beverage and I am no longer thirsty.

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar? If so, did you eventually learn to enjoy small moments without having to hyper fixate on it?

While I am grateful to be living in a calmer state of mind I am curious if basic enjoyment will be natural for me again.

I'm doing the work, I'm seeing a therapist, and trying to find the right meds. Adjusting my lifestyle and sleep hygiene but how the hell am I meant to control the nightmares?!

It's not like doing grounding or breathing exercises in a nightmare will help.

I wake up feeling like I've lived an entirely different life overnight and when I wake up it takes hours or even the whole day trying to figure out what's real or not

I don't feel safe during the day because of this other life I'm living and I'm angry and anxious because of it.

Just like a super shitty thing for the universe to be like "hey! Let's turn your trauma into a super fucked up horror movie version with different episodes every night "

I’m going back to school tomorrow, and quite a bit of trauma occurred there. I’ve been dealing with it this summer, and have been working through EMDR. Additionally, I started taking medication and it’s been really helpful. The hardest part, however, has been the sense of foreshortened future. I constantly have this hum of nothingness in the back of my mind, which I get incredibly frustrated with. I also have severe harm and existential OCD, which means that my brain latches onto the inability to properly imagine a future or position myself in time and goes through these incredibly anxiety inducing thought loops. I’m lucky that I’m no longer depressed and have been feeling a full spectrum of emotions, but I’m so exhausted. I’m terrified that I’ll be unable to do well in school if I can’t even imagine what comes after school. Rationally, I know that the future will come, but my mind just can’t get over this hurdle. It feels like the final boss in my PTSD treatment if that makes sense. I’ve gotten the panic attacks under control, I’m disassociating far less, and I can walk through most of my traumatic memories without feeling like I’m experiencing them again. I’m just terrified that this feeling will never go away because it seems incredibly difficult to live a life where I constantly anticipate death. If anyone has experienced something like this or has any advice, that’d be greatly appreciated. I already found a trauma specialist at school to continue working with, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified.

I have a history of ptsd symptoms which have become significant over the past 10 months. Prior to this kind of breakdrown and emergence of symptoms I would have terrible reoccuring nightmares which were similar to a sort of sleep paralysis where I was trapped and being crushed or choked and I couldnt move just try and fight and scream but while I was playing it out in my head- on the outside I just looked asleep. These experiences included like feeling an assault somatically. It was actually happening but I also had some awareness that I was in a dream. Like I was desperate for my partner to wake up and realise and save me but from the outside - just asleep so I try wake myself from inside the dream. I get false awakingings and the whole thing would start again.

10 months ago I had a breakthrough (and breakdown) in therapy and started to experience symptoms during the day, and the nightmares stopped. Until about 3 weeks ago and now they are back and they are so intense. Its like I completely go back to something but its not something I remember happening either. I have included a journal of the dream if anyone is interested.

I dreamed I was sat on a bed talking to someone telling them that I felt suicidal and the pain is too much and my body was like collapsing in on it. The person I was telling couldnt cope with it and left and I continued to sit there collapsing. It feels like I'm collapsing on myself and then I end up on the floor between the bed and wall hiding. Im really little now. Someone is trying to grab me and pinching my shoulders and arms. They grab my neck and squeeze. The fear is real now. I am thinking 'too much, dont remember this' and then able to remember this is a dream. I 'wake up' from my dream and I'm on the floor where I fell asleep in my room but something is still choking me and trying to do something. I am screaming and crying. Oh god please can someone hear me. I feel so heavy. No one hears. This is a dream remember its not real...I cant move properly everything like lead but I manage to roll onto my front and crawl to the door. Very slowly. I can feel something holding on to me trying to pull me back but I am kicking invisible hands. I want out. I get a to the door and the house isnt the same. Its different. Inside the house is flooded. Water pouring down the walls and my uncle is trying to get the water off. I go back to my room which is the same as here but its set up like my childhood room. I realise I must stil be dreaming. I 'wake up' again on the floor and decide that I want to go for a walk and end up in a shop. Theres a young lad on the door and he talks to me - he says he hates working on the door and hes bored. Physically I am suddenly really aroused. Everything aching with this need but then i actually wake up. Im still on the floor curled up in the corner of the room.