My husband, my MIL and I went on a cruise in January of this year. Obviously lots of stories about MIL that predate this one, but let’s start here because no one’s paying you wonderful people to read a novel.

The cruise was very stressful because of MIL. She threw public tantrums when we wanted her to put on sunscreen in the Bahamas (she had a skin cancer removed a few years ago), she was always interrupting me when I was speaking with my husband, making him run errands for her non stop, she kept being possessive of him, holding on to him, sitting next to him when there were only 2 seats available and there wasn’t room for me, taking over every conversation, making us do everything she wanted to do… it was a handful (it was a cruise for my birthday BTW). She didn’t let us spend even a single hour together…

Anyway, you know the drill.

I was so fed up and disappointed with her, that I decided I was just going to take a step back and basically cease contact. We were never best buddies who called or texted each other anyway, so this was mainly me taking a step back mentally. I don’t think all that much changed on her side. My husband still calls and speaks with her several times a week, I was never really present for those calls anyway.

Today my husband told me that she keeps bringing me up, and that she thinks I’m avoiding her on purpose and wondering if it was something she did (LOL!), and that she’s very unhappy about this. I’m not mad anymore, I’m just checked out. I want to be left alone.

I decided long ago not to die on the MIL hill, and I don’t want to confront her, or tell her the truth, because it won’t help. It’ll be like trying to get in front of a bullet train. I want this woman to leave me alone, and my husband to leave me alone about her.

How do I return to status quo? How do I make this go away and regain inner peace? Do I call her to say I’m not mad? Do I keep doing nothing? Thankfully we live in a different state.

In the space of about 2 hours....

* Threw a ball at husband's head... when he asked basically WTF, she said our not-quite-2yo told her to do it

* Told husband he couldn't step on the trampoline (they were at an indoor play centre) because 'I was here first!'

* Kept insisting 'Come and sit on Oma's lap' despite our child very clearly wanting space. Sulked 'I haven't even *touched* her today!' as if she'd been denied an entitlement

* Bitched, complained and nitpicked about every single thing husband did or said

* Kept trying to start cleaning our (already clean) bathroom mirrors because 'I thought you wanted help'

* When husband suggested she could help out by reading a book while our toddler sat on the potty, screamed 'I don't *DO* the potty training; I'm *just* the grandparent, not the parent!'

* When husband explained how he could fit in lunch and a potty trip for our toddler before dropping her at the train station with ample time to get the train *she* was desperate to catch, yelled 'I suppose the trains all run to *your* schedule then!!!!'

* Screamed 'You're a fucking asshole!' through the screen door, a foot away from where our toddler was standing looking at her. Stormed off and - we assume - walked the 4km to the train station for that train she was so desperate to catch. She would never have made it in time. No contact from her since, except in the family group chat where she said she'll bring cupcakes to my niece's birthday party 🙃

Our toddler was shaken up for the rest of the day and kept repeating 'Oma Daddy talking' with big wide eyes.

My MIL is a giant liar. She will say so much things about how she will be so respectful to your face but once you are gone she does what a JNMIL does. I was pregnant with my daughter and my husbands Grandma brought over clothes and made a comment that it was really hard to find girls clothes that weren't pink. Now is this the most important rule ever no but it shouldn't have been that hard to follow. I explained that my own mom forced me to wear a ton of pink clothes when I was a kid and I hated it. So we made the decision to nix pink as neither my husband or I like the color until she can tell us what kind of clothes she wants to wear and in what color. But until then no pink. My MIL snapped back in front of everyone saying "thats okay I'll just put her in pink when I have her." I kept my mouth shut because I didn't need to stir any more drama up. But from that day I decided my MIL wouldn't be alone with my daughter. If she is so upfront about breaking a small rule I can't trust her not to break the bigger ones like no smoking around my kid. To be fair the longer I spent around my MIL the more she proved she wouldn't follow any rules.

My husband says it was a litmus test and she failed. Anyone else?

We’re staying in in-laws cabin for an annual hunt and it’s been a shit show. Hurt pride when our 12 month old didn’t immediately accept MIL (who he rarely sees) and we had to work around her watching him when we were out hunting since he got hysterical being away from us when we did a short trial. This has been a huge issue that she can’t handle, making constant remarks to the baby about how he doesn’t like her, and over and over trying to argue against our decision that baby wasn’t ready to be apart from us yet. It was also deeply uncomfortable for me because she never called during that trial when he started being unconsolable 30 minutes in (we were about 10min away by car), instead FIL went over her head and called when he could no longer stand seeing baby so upset, FIL seemed genuinely disturbed about how sad baby got and forbade us from leaving him alone again. I rushed back and comforted him and only later found out FIL called (against her wishes) because MIL had started strapping the baby into his stroller to walk him the 1+hr walk to where we were?!

We have also had to handle their excessive drinking which makes them very combatative, and constant remarks and lectures on mess (no leaving stuff out, even though we have no closet space and a lot of stuff for baby and hunting with us, letting q few grains of rice fall into the sink which could clog it, not cleaning the shower doors after every use), walking too heavily past their door when we wake with the baby in the morning, annoyance at wanting to cook/decide food for ourselves… so much stuff I can’t even remember it all. MIL loves to give a long lecture on behavior and can never just voice her wishes in a casual way. The kicker here is we planned to go by ourselves (they own a smaller more rustic cabin we usually use), but they happily suggested we come here and they help us with the baby. We accepted because this cabin has newer amenities and a bit more space, though it is still a small cabin! They don’t hunt so if we hadn’t come here they wouldn’t have been here either, they mostly stay for summer or skiing in the winter.

It’s just very strange to be treated as a nuisance when we were more or less asked to come, and on top of this they let us know on our first night they had to leave earlier and didn’t want us ”closing” the cabin so we had to leave earlier too. Their reason for leaving is something they have known for months and months but never thought to mention until now. They have now also accepted that SIL is suddenly coming to join us - who doesn’t hunt either and is bringing her rowdy 5YO. There is literally no reason for her to come these particular weeks when they could have been here anytime during the whole summer. SIL always treats MIL like free 24/7 childcare so we can now be certain MIL will not lift a finger for our baby for the rest of the trip. SIL (who is MIL’s daughter only) also always end up having screaming-matches with FIL which creates a very disturbing atmosphere, so my best guess is SIL rushed to join us because she wants us to act as a buffer with FIL while she can get free child care from MIL?

A few days ago we checked with MIL if she wanted to come with us and help watch the baby when we prepare the meat with the rest of the hunting team - we thought this would be a nice way for her to have responsibility of him without us being far away. She then said ”If you need me I’ll come.” When SIL confirmed her flight ticket this has suddenly changed and when we asked her again (even suggesting she only pop by for an hour or two) she acted surprised we could even suggest that because SIL and SILs kid needed her. And then she asked why we didn’t just leave our baby with her in the house. Leave our hysteric baby alone with her and a rowdy 5YO who hates sharing his grandmother? After she has proven she does not call us when something happens? No thank you.

We are incredibly annoyed about all this but decided to focus on managing the worst potential catastrophes (we have given up completely on the idea of having a nice trip). So last night we discussed with MIL how we can manage having another adult and a 5YO sprung on this crowded cabin in the middle of our trip. There is only one tiny common area with a kitchen table that seats 4. We have guns and knives for hunting, that we have stored to keep away from a 1YO but not a 5YO. We also have the babies sleeping needs to think of since the 5YO can become very loud. Us bringing this up basically sent MIL over the edge and she became upset because ”5YO is very well behaved” (he is not, he is a regular 5YO) and the things we brought up were non-issues. We finally landed on the following boundaries: 5YO must keep away toys that can be a choking hazard for 1YO, he must be quiet if he stays in the main cabin after 19.30 when baby sleeps (SIL and 5YO are sleeping in a tiny guest house next to the cabin), and 5YO is under no circumstances allowed in our bedroom where we will store our hunting tools. Infuriatingly enough there are tons of tiny hazards strewn about the cabin that our baby cannot reach but 5YO can, so we will have to be like hawks for the rest of the trip. These few rules were like pulling teeth and made MIL incredibly annoyed, and we can be certain she will not inform SIL and probably not enforce so we will have to manage that part all by ourselves.

We have our coming days filled with visits we want to do so we will be keeping away from the cabin as much as possible, and also will be cutting our trip even shorter by another couple of days just for our own sanity. Safe to say we will not accept an invite like this ever again!

I have started to try and practice not engaging with MILs moods, not try to explain myself when she accuses or try and make her feel better when she throws a tantrum. Husband is an expert at this but I am just beginning. Reading this forum and other’s experiences/strategies truly helps!! I’m open to any and all advice though I don’t have a particular question.

Okay, so I posted about my MIL a bit ago on this page, and since then, she’s pulled more crazy crap. Refer to that post for more details if you’re curious. But basically, my husband’s aunt died and left a decent inheritance for us. She trusted her sister, my psycho MIL, to handle her matters after her death because she was her only living immediate relative.

Well, unsurprisingly, when aunt died, my MIL admitted that the aunt had left money to us but refused to give us the full inheritance his aunt had left for us in her will. She claimed that settling aunt’s estate and all the costs associated with aunt’s death were too high and had consumed most of aunt’s money, leaving not much left to distribute to us. That story was clearly BS. The aunt was very frugal her whole life; when she died, we know from other relatives that she had accrued a lot of money in savings and investments. Per her request, there was no funeral; she was cremated without even a burial. She did not have any debts or liens (not even credit card debt since she didn’t ever have one!) but fully owned her vehicle and rented an apartment. And given my MIL’s history trying to leech off family members so she doesn’t have to work, it was extremely obvious to us that this was just another stunt of my MIL’s to steal money that didn’t belong to her. Only after my husband spoke very firmly with her and made it clear we did not believe her claim to be true, did she finally give us HALF of what the aunt left for us.

Side note because I know some of you will ask, the aunt’s will was not a formally executed will, nor did it meet the informal will requirements for the state aunt lived and died in, so we knew we couldn’t pursue legal action to enforce the will. And we probably wouldn’t have anyways since we aren’t ready to sue a family member, no matter how loca she is.

Anyways, as I talk about more in my previous post, my MIL works a part-time minimum wage retail job (though she has quit and restarted so many times I don’t even know if she works there now) and is constantly in financial distress because she’s unable to live anywhere within her means. But somehow, I have recently seen MULTIPLE posts on social media of her taking extravagant trips all around the country - to various expensive cities in California and to Chicago. In many of her posts, she has shopping bags and is eating out.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m 23 weeks pregnant so I will allow myself some emotion, lol. I’m just PISSED THE HECK OFF because this is just further evidence that she ripped us off from our full inheritance so that she could frolic around and be a lazy, selfish, and dishonest narcissist. She has no money of her own (fact), so she’s clearly living high on the hog with dead aunt’s money, including half of our inheritance. This infuriates me because we could be using it to help build my husband’s new business or even save to give us some extra financial margin while I’m on maternity leave.

She will be involved in my baby’s life over my dead body. As his mother, I will fiercely protect him from this horrible woman who stole from our family without even a second thought or care. She still doesn’t know I’m pregnant, and I’m going to keep it that way as long as I can.

If you made it to the end of this rant, you’re a real one. ☝🏼🥹

UPDATE: Spoke with wife about my concerns again with different framing. I'm concerned about her cognitive state and functioning because it's frankly worse than some of the people I go with in my brain injury rehab. We do have ADHD meds pending insurance (fuck insurance) but I stated my desire to get her into a neurologist, occupational therapy, or something, anything that'd help because this has to stop. I cannot be the only adult of the house because I have a pretty major brain injury and I should not be functioning better than her.

Last evening, I was supervising my little boy while we were preparing "rabbit food" (lettuce) in the garden and spreading it around. I came back inside with him and find my wife gone, but the stove hot and taco meat sizzling on it. I called for her, but she must not have been within earshot. I thought well darn, that's not very safe, so I'll have to supervise the meat now AND my kid.

Started rotating some of the meat and discovered it's been burning into the pan so this has been going on for a while, maybe a few minutes already. I keep babysitting the pan and keeping my son from dumping all the silverware all over the floor for a few minutes. My in laws walk in for dinner and they ask where my wife is. I say I don't know, but she left the stove on with food on and that wasn't a good idea. My MIL scoffs and this and says YOU'RE JUST MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT NOTHING and I LEAVE FOOD ON AND LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL THE TIME (you may remember this is the woman who said a few fires a year is no big deal)

Then my wife comes back in and acts the same way, like this is totally normal and safe and I'm wrong for being bothered by it. Like, everyone knows that a big portion of house fires start in the kitchen! Unattended fires and heating are a REALLY BAD IDEA! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS! So I was mad as hell and huffy and didn't want to throw stats at her because MIL doesn't understand numbers (they're not real people) and my wife has already started so many fires it's crazy. Like WOMAN we talked about this! Do you have no sense of responsibility or shame? SMH. She's already caused 5 minor fires (all put out thankfully)

Im 4 months pregnant right now with our teething 10 month old. We came back from a 5 hard hour flight and poor LO was in pain. The flight was not easy and we are exhausted. Anyways, I knew I would come home to some bs. Mil greets us and tells us how she cleaned our room and did our dirty laundry. I cleaned our rooms before we left. I mopped, vacuumed, cleaned toy area, office area, bathroom. I left a very small pile of dirty laundry for me to do with the dirty laundry we were bringing back. MIL is 70 and it makes me very uncomfortable to have an elderly women clean up after me. I don’t like it one bit and have told husband to communicate this. He always said it makes her feel good and it’s well intended. I told him I find it an invasion of privacy, especially his MIL dealing with my dirty underwear? I’m 30? Those are my intimates and I don’t want to come home to my thongs nearly laid out on the bed by your mom? It’s weird? He keeps prioritizing her intention over my boundary and we got into a huge argument about it. Me and her do not have a good relationship as it is. I am moving back to the states in two weeks (husbands coming ofc) but it’s just the last straw accumulated with all the other bs she’s done to me and how she’s treated me. She can do her son’s laundry all she wants. My husband an and can’t seem to wrap his head around why I find it so invasive saying it’s just underwear. I’ve told him she’s your mother, not mine. We barely speak and she should not be touching my things. Simple. It’s not the first time of course. She followed us into our room and saw my reaction when I saw my clothes laid out and some things in the room rearranged and ask my husband what I said. We have a slight language barrier. Husband lied and said I said thank you. I just don’t understand how a grown adult thinks this is okay. If I went to her room when she’s away, picked out her dirty drawers and laid them out for her, would she be rushing to thank me or think I’m weird? I’ve just tolerated so much because “this is how she is.” Husband is saying he’s not defending her just trying to defuse and explain. He says I am treating it as if his mom is doing it in a perverted way which is not my perspective at all. Or “she means well.” I really wanted to go off and don’t know how I should be with her these next few days I have left. Our relationship has been minimal contact despite living together for months. I’ve tried being the bigger person before but I don’t care to be or want to be with someone like that.

*She’s done this before. A month ago or so, she came up to me with a bag of my sons old clothes I had put away and haven’t been able to find (I’m keeping in case it’s a boy again before I donate them) and asked me “do you have more clothes of his? I can store them here. You should clean out his drawer.” FIRST of all, why do you have them?? Why are they in your room?? Why are they in a new box?? WHEN did you get them?? I had been looking for them to go through them and see what was worth keeping. I decided to not deal with them until our departure day was closer. His drawer had been cleaned already. Also disclaimer, there are no locks except the bathroom. I feel I have tolerated so much because well I live under her roof so I feel guilted into doing so. This is just one of many examples and this is just the coloring issues aside from her blatantly never liking me or embracing my son. I just feel I might explode one of these days these last two weeks with all be accumulated and had to keep my mouth shut on. Regardless of us living at her place, we do pay to live here and I’m entitled to my basic boundaries

My MIL is 70yo, single and lives by herself. Occasionally she will ask me to do some physical work in her place. Mainly to not pay someone and save money.

This is something I don’t want to do. I feel like she can pay a company to do these things. The problem is it’s hard to just outright say I don’t want to do it. I just come up with an excuse on why I can’t do it.

For example yesterday she asked if I could pressure wash her porch because the gutter was leaking on it. Instead of saying “no I don’t want to why don’t you pay a company” I just told her I don’t think my machine is working. It’s partially true because it does not work fully.

So what’s a good way to just say no? I also don’t want to do it because she does not talk to me much. It seems like I’m just being the replacement husband doing physical work for her when she could just pay a company to do these things.

Thanks for the advice

All,

I’m back again. Read my previous posts for more details; however, here’s the TLDR version. I’m pregnant, and I went no contact with my MIL a couple months ago when I stopped tolerating her poor behavior, lack of accepting our boundaries and selfishness. Well, that didn’t go over well. It started my MIL’s extinction meltdown. When my MIL was told she was not going to get what she wanted and demanded, she turned to anger, then emotional manipulation. When those didn’t work, she claimed to relapse (alcoholic) and then blamed me for it twice. Since that happened, my husband hasn’t spoken to her or responded to her text messages.

Well, she’s now moved on to sending cheap plastic amazon crap to our house for the children. This is clearly a manipulation tactic to get us to reach out to her. The children don’t have the gifts (I angrily threw them in a closet when they showed up, and again, I’m pregnant, so the child in my uterus can’t even use whatever she sent). They came with gift receipts from Amazon, which means that while I can return them, Amazon will only send me a gift card. Amazon will not tell my MIL that the gifts were returned. I want the purchase refunded to her. I want her to know that we didn’t keep it. I don’t want anything from her in this house (even if we use the funds to buy literal toilet paper or cleaning supplies), and I want her to know that $20 in cheap plastic crap isn’t going to change anything.

I’m of the mind that the gifts should be returned to Amazon. The money should be returned to her with a note (a literal post it or piece of printer paper) that says something like, “Karen (not her real name), addicts in relapse will have nothing to do with our children or family. Here are your amazon funds. Do not send anything else to this home. -OP’s husband.”

Do I return the money, burn the gifts, or what? Keeping them isn’t an option. Giving them to the children isn’t an option. My MIL has to know that the children aren’t getting the presents. She’s texted to tell us (my husband) additional boxes were coming and to ask multiple times if our older child liked what she sent. My husband has not responded at all.

I don’t want this woman harboring a delusional belief that we got any benefit of her latest manipulation tactic, but I also don’t know if engaging at all (by returning the funds) is worth giving her a reaction. As far as I’m concerned, she’s not going to stop. So I want to start making my paper trail for future harassment complaints and/or a restraining order if we need one.

Do any of you have any better ideas?

I have serious resentment against my MIL for a few reasons. Firstly, her personality. She is lovely in the company of people who aren’t her family. However, behind closed doors she becomes an energy vampire. I’ve never met someone who talks nonstop, obsessively about themselves. It is EXHAUSTING and borderline unbearable to be around. I have also witnessed her throw adult temper tantrums (literally screaming) when things don’t go her way. Luckily we live in a different state from them (both our families live in the same city), but at 6 weeks postpartum, she came to visit and in that short visit managed to tell me to get my milk supply checked, something looked wrong with my baby, and took my baby from me so I could “start getting dinner ready”. It was also expected of me to excuse myself every time I had to feed our daughter. She has 3 boys, and the mentality in their family is very much to let her just run the show like that. My husband included. Fast forward to 6 months I went back home to see family (not with husband). She came to see my daughter at my mom’s house and I received upwards of 15 comments from her about my daughter “needing more food” and “she is so hungry” over a 2 hour period. I understand she’s old school and can let that shit go but wow it just makes the time so unenjoyable.

They are coming to visit us this weekend and my anxiety is just through the roof. She feels very entitled taking my baby from me and I realize this is a good lesson for me to speak up, which I plan on doing. But any other advice on maintaining some level of space while they are staying in our home? My daughter is 9mo and still breastfeeding a lot.

Ever since my husband set very clear boundaries (rules) with his parents and they chose to leave instead of apologizing for the boundaries (rules) they repeatedly broke, and the hateful things they have said over the years, or admit any wrongdoing on their part, they have gone out if their way to sweep things under the rug with my husband. There has been 1 single passive aggressive text message sent to me the day they left but no further contact as I was already NC and I only unblocked their numbers to prove to my husband that what they tell him and what they say to me are 2 very different things, even in real time.

His mother has texted him multiple times telling him that she is thinking of him and prays for him every morning and loves our family. She hasn't apologized for any of the things she said to him during their last visit, didn't apologize for leaving early and has never admitted to anything she has ever said or done that have been mentioned in their last conversation. He pointed out many many situations where she was extremely rude, passive-aggressive, and exclusively trying to run every part of our lives whenever she was around. Including trying to take my baby from me (physically) when I was 1 month postpartum and she came to stay at our house for over a month to "help". Even though my husband was on paternity leave for 3 months and I am a stay at home mom and we told her repeatedly that we didn't want or need help. Our baby slept through the night and we were completely capable of caring for her as we met while both working in the medical field. He told her she has never listened or respected anything we have said or done for our own lives.

My husband has tried really hard to not respond to any of her messages because he told her that if she wanted a real relationship with any of us, including him, then a genuine apology would need to happen. He has replied once (reiterating that a genuine apology needed to happen before anything more could be discussed) and regretted it because she then tried to call him.

His father started sending him youtube videos about his religion and what they expect for the child in the relationship to act with the parents, trying to put him back into a box of being a teenager, even though he is almost a 40 year old man. When he didn't acknowledge any of the messages he sent, he started sending texts about himself and how he started a small business and how well he was doing and if he wanted any advice on how to do something more with his life. (My husband is active duty in the US military and does very well providing a good life for our family).

My husbands parents have always tried to make him feel like he hasn't made the right choices in his life and do not respect that they are his choices. They never wanted him to join the military and try to tell him that he can never have the life they had because he didn't get a college degree before joining the military. They attack his religious views, political views and overall life choices because they aren't the same choices they made and it's their way or the highway.

They both keep texting him as if nothing happened and treating him like he doesn't know how to live his own life and make his own choices. When they leave him alone he is happy and proud of everything we have accomplished in the last 8.5 years being married and where we are going in our lives together with our daughter, but when they text him and basically tell him that he is worthless without them and their opinions he second guesses everything, even if he remains strong and doesn't respond. It's like he is allowing that door to stay open to hurt him because it's what he has known his whole life so it feels familiar.

I have suggested that he block them, but he is apprehensive because he still holds hope they will apologize for everything they have done. (I almost want to just take his phone and block them without him knowing, he wouldn't know the difference except they wouldn't have access to him. Except i won't because he is a grwon man and i respect his decisions, even if i don't agree) I have no such hope but I don't want to start a fight or force him to do something he isn't ready for, even if it would be better for his own mental health. They are blocked on my phone, and he is good at ignoring phone calls, but the texts always put him in a terrible mood. I just wish that they would leave him alone so he could fully heal before they just get in his head again.

My husband and I have not shared anything about our lives or daughter since the last visit happened almost 2 months ago and I'm hoping they just leave him alone. Moving out of the country in a couple of months will allow us to have different international phone numbers and a new address so they won't be able to contact us, but I am afraid that my husband will give them the contact information just in case something happens because they are both 70. And we will be overseas at least the next 3 years.

He has a brother who is 2 years older than him and his wife and children are loe contact with his parents for all the same reasons we are, but they aren't close so he hasn't told him anything about their last visit, so he hasn't talked about potentially having the brother update us if anyrhing happened instead of him sharing contact information. Which would be my preference.

How do we keep moving forward in our life together when he is having such a hard time protecting himself from the toxic behavior of his parents? I don't know if he thinks he deserves the way they treat him and that's why he's afraid to block them...

My MIL likes to Christmas shop starting now. So she can “ spread the cost out”. Which I can understand to a degree, but it doesn’t really work with kids. My child’s birthday is also five weeks before Christmas which she bitches about in front of him even though her birthday is the day after his. Also, her two ADULT children’s birthdays are both with a week of Christmas. My son’s birthday being where it is, is the only one she whines about. Not any of the others. She also likes to whine that mine falls near Mother’s Day. Probably because I steal her thunder or something.

We do not see them very often anymore because we had to just take a step back, and both our jobs changed. My son also got involved in a bunch of after school stuff so our free time has gotten eaten up ( oh darn). That being said, they surprisingly showed up to his flag football game last weekend.

Where MIL started asking my son for a Christmas list. My ten year old looked at her like she had lost her dang mind. He said “I haven’t really thought about it.” And then said something about a Hogwarts LEGO castle and a specific switch game. She doesn’t realize it ( and neither does my son) but the castle he had watched people build on YouTube is pretty expensive.

Now last year this woman gave me an incredibly hard time about gifts. All the ideas I gave her she had some wacky excuse about. And my husband backed me up when I just ended up giving up. So this year I wasn’t planning on giving her much of anything. Except his clothing size and whatever book series he was into.

I’m not good at thinking on my feet though. I sometimes have to be around this twit without DH because of his work schedule. It’s very rare now. But I could use ideas on what to say about this Christmas present stuff.

MIL came to stay over when I was pregnant to help us out. She started having problems with me ever since she arrived. She complained to my husband that I didn’t listen to her and that I didn’t care for her like a DIL should. Naturally I started drifting away from her and she treated me horribly. My husband never took my side fully and tried to lecture me into changing my ‘behaviour’. She initially came to stay with us for an indefinite time but when she started feeling that her tactics won’t work on me she ended up leaving by saying that she has a worsening health condition just when I was 1 week postpartum.

She left my relationship with her at a weird place that I don’t feel comfortable talking to her again. A lot of other things happened, while she was staying my husband started complaining about me a lot. He also has a problem with my younger sister who used to stay with us but now has moved away. She occasionally comes over to help me with my baby as we don’t have any other help. My husband is always complaining that I care for my sister more than I care for him.

I feel like his mother has manipulated him to the extent that he hates my sister. Recently I got to know that my SIL is mad at my mother as well over something controversial my mom had said to her over the phone and guess who told my husband about it, my MIL. I feel she has exaggerated and said things to my husband that don’t even exist.

When I tried to question my husband about it he started complaining how I always put my family before our relationship. I can see clearly that it is a manipulation tactic.

They want to isolate me and don’t want me taking my mom and my sister’s side . But I feel so alone. I don’t know who to talk to and how to fix this.

If I think about divorce, I worry about my son’s future and I can’t do any therapy or couples counselling because I’m only one month postpartum. My husband is actually very caring towards my son and carries the load of being a father, but the worsening condition of my relationships has me worried about my future. I wish I could make him see how caring and loving my sister is, we have such a good relationship but I don’t feel I can have such a genuine relationship with her when she is being hated so much.

I hate being stuck in this situation, it feels like my husband has no mind of his own and is being controlled by his mother. I can’t reason with him at all.

I’m (35F) not married to my partner (35M) but we’ve been together 4.5 years and he’s everything to me. His Mum really hates me, their relationship wasn’t good before I met him but there’s been an ongoing feud for 16 months, he’s tried to set realistic boundaries but I’ve taken the blame for the relationship breakdown.

I’ve been accused of coercion, trying to steal his money, cutting him off from family and friends. She’s said I’m not his wife so I don’t matter, that he’s just a lodger to me (we live in a house that I own) and I only want rent money. The list goes on, I know none of it is true but I feel like a terrible person most of the time.

Six months ago MIL told my partner never to knock on their door or contact them again, she’s been true to her word and hasn’t spoken to him since. The problem is now she uses SIL to communicate for her. It’s exhausting, and it’s damaged their relationship as well. The text messages my partner receives every few weeks about the fact he’s walked away from the family, his parents have done everything for him and he’s ungrateful, he makes no effort to see the kids in the family and he’s distant and secretive, it’s really hurtful to him. 

The emotional toll it takes on both of us is just crippling and I carry the guilt of everything being my fault. He’s taking steps to deal with some legal issues so some contact has to be maintained, I will always be no contact at this point. I wanted to hear from anyone who’s experienced this, does it get any easier with time? Will the guilt for coming between a family ever go away?

So just for a backstory of our relationship, my husband and I are coming up on being married a year and together 7 years. I lived with my in laws during COVID and I was often running errands for them picking up their kid from activities daily ect. Which I had no problem doing considering I lived in their home and I genuinely felt like family. A few years after we moved out I felt the distance between my mother in law and myself. Mind you after all these years me asking to grab coffee with her or something she’s never said yes. 7 years and we’ve never did anything together. At first I didn’t think it was odd because I thought she’s busy and often had plans with my father in law and other couples. But 7 years ?? Very weird and I always had a feeling she wasn’t very fond of me. Our personalities are very different and culturally speaking we are different as well. I never thought that would be an issue because I never told her no to anything she asked of me even now I haven’t. So my husband a few years ago spoke to her because I discussed how I felt about our relationship and I felt very used only getting phone calls when she needed to picked up from the airport or doctors appointments ect.. (they also live an hour away). Also very rude she would have guest come over and wouldn’t introduce me and would walk ahead of me. Ignoring me when we would drive hours to go to track meets for his brother it was weird. Often being her friends and it happened on more than one occasion. He didn’t relay that to her entirely but just about communicating more or maybe doing things together and she spoke to me about it and said sorry but “ it might be your own insecurities”. After that conversation I stepped back stopped giving flowers on Mother’s Day, checking in as much I still text but I felt like I was reeking of wanting to be liked and I hate that. So fast forward to this year things are still going okay I just don’t push talking as much and I still hangout for family events. We just welcomed their first grandchild and during this time they haven’t visited at all. ( side note- I wasn’t ready to announce I was pregnant and she kept baiting me with alcohol and asking weird questions when I said no thank you multiple times and my father in law asked her to stop he knew and it was only because I had to go to the emergency room and my husband called in a panic)Only once at the hospital. After not being fully healed from my c section she asked me to take her and pick her up from the doctors. With a newborn and it was a two and a half hour drive back and forth? She asked me in front of my husband and given I’m not working I felt like I had to say sure no problem I’ll figure something out. I did that and it was a hassle having a newborn and navigating driving for that amount of time alone. Anyways I’ve drove to them twice now and I had to ask if they’d be home so they can say hello to their grandchild and they said yeah you can swing by. I’m always welcomed to pop in it’s never been an issue. But my question is should I feel as upset as I do that no one has came by to help or even see the baby? I’m home alone for 12+ hours and doing a lot by myself. I don’t want to force a relationship anymore and especially not with my baby. I don’t need a whole parade or anything it would just be nice to stop by and check in especially for the baby. I don’t know how to come across anymore for events or coming over. I don’t want to look angry or upset I just don’t have the energy to put a face on. I hate being labeled as angry when I have nothing to say and I’ve been plenty polite and keep to myself. She’s mentioned before she thinks I have anger issues??? Very weird because I haven’t acted any type of way in front of her and have only been kind. Being that we are different culturally I’m pretty offended by that comment just because I’m vocal doesn’t mean I’m an angry person. It’s caused me to quiet myself around his family in general( they have made racially insensitive comments in the past). What should I do in this situation? Should I continue to back away and not check in at all or just eat it and put a face on when I need to. Thank you :))

Title basically sums it up. It is so ridiculous that it makes me laugh but I need advice because I will be seeing her soon.

A little recap: We are in the US and my MIL lives 7 hours away by plane so we don’t really keep in contact or talk other than happy birthday texts and major holiday greetings. My husband and I visited early on our relationship and she racially harassed me by saying everyone from my race was not good people and she didn’t apologize until my husband repeatedly told her to. She apologized over the phone and it was a crappy apology but I accepted it to move on. So her and I are technically “good” now. The incident is never spoken of. Anyway, after her apology she was not really over it because she continued to text my husband telling him that he was not a good son for taking my side and that she has done so much for him and that it was all just a misunderstanding (it wasn’t and everyone was there to witness it lol). She then texted him saying that I physically shoved her during that trip and that she didn’t tell him because she did not want to cause problems for us but she was tired of keeping it a secret since I was causing trouble. He texted her back asking for specifics about this “shove” and she had none other than it was a “shove.” He never asked me about this and the only reason I know about these shoving allegation texts is because I saw the texts while holding his phone for something else unrelated.

I’m assuming he never asked me about it because he knows I would never physically push someone and he knows she was lying.

But now we have to see her because it’s been years since I have seen her. The last time I saw her was the “incident.” Husband has gone once in the past to pet sit her dog (see previous post from a few years ago).

We also eloped and so this is the first time she would be seeing us as husband and wife. She did not send a wedding gift but said she would like to give us a check in person. I have not cashed check gifts from her in the past because I don’t want her to throw it in my face later. This check would be a wedding gift. We don’t know how much it will be but I don’t have high hopes it will be a large sum of money despite them being well off. I wouldn’t accept it but I know my husband has been wanting to put it towards our home fund so we will be accepting it.

So I need advice on how to survive this ridiculous MIL for a week day vacation. I’m tempted to just strap a camera onto my chest to record her interactions before she accuses me of some other crazy thing. :)

Sooooo annoyed! Not even my MIL my ex’s mum who hardly sees my son and doesn’t put effort unless I travel over an hour to see him. (Has come to visit him at my house 2 times when he was a newborn) always we are here visiting her and she yells out “who loves you most in the world” and I yell out “mummy” and she goes “grandma!!” Do I have every right to be upset??

Basically as per the title.

My MIL is an individual who is well known to take things way too far with everyone. Last time I was visiting her it was because she wanted BF (her son) and me to move from our city apartment into her sleepout in the middle of nowhere.

I've always been able to feel immense jealousy and resentment radiating from MIL and always privately felt like she was going to try and harm me one day.

Well, on this trip I was finally proved right.

I was drinking with MIL, MiL's crackhead best friend at the time (they are no longer friends because crackhead drugged MIL twice, but that's a whole other story for another day) and MIL's other son.

Everything was mostly okay. We discussed mostly normal things, had some laughs, discussed crackhead's dog who had had to be euthanized recently because it attacked someone, I expressed my sympathies. Everything was mostly alright.

At this point is where I fucked up. I talked briefly about how I'd been frustrated recently with my struggles with my mental health and about how I felt crazy because the medications and therapy I had been trying weren't very effective. I know it was dumb. I know I should never have brought it up and shown weakness. All I can say is that I was heavily medicated at the time and I had had a few drinks, but looking back I recognize I should have never thought for a second that I was among friends.

Annnnnd cue the bullying from MIL and crackhead. The usual boomer type of bullying you'd expect, telling me nothing I've done in life is good enough, I need to try harder, I need to do more, I need to be more social, I need to open up more, I'm the problem in my own life, nothing I had achieved meant shit etc etc etc. I excused myself to go and see BF in the sleepout and take a break because I was getting upset.

I then decided to go back into the house because I needed the restroom, and I remember thinking maybe I really am the problem. I thought about this for a bit, and then it occurred to me that they were all probably in there talking shit about me as soon as my back was turned.

Sure enough, I walked back in and the smiles dropped off all their faces as soon as they saw me because they had indeed all been talking shit about me just like I thought.

I went to the restroom and when I came back out, I said into the awkward silence "by all means, keep talking shit about me, don't let me stop you"

Now, I was quite drunk at this point so I don't remember exactly everything that was said after that. But I do remember that I should once again have just kept my mouth shut because this is where the entire night truly went to hell.

I asked why she wanted me to come here, let alone move in when she clearly doesn't even like me and I said that her wanting me here at all must have been a lie.

Next thing I knew, MIL was in my face, repeatedly physically pushing me around the kitchen, trying to provoke me into a fight. I wasn't taking the bait because I'm never a violent person no matter how inebriated I am, which I'm sure just made her angrier because she kept pushing me. Her son who was in the room had to come and pull her away from me while crackhead just sat there enjoying the show.

I went to the sleepout to inform BF about the situation. MIL then burst in and started repeatedly throwing beer on me. I was tired of being assaulted at this point so I told her I would call the police, to which she responded "if you call the police, you're fucking dead" and stormed out, screaming to everyone else about how she wanted me out of her house immediately.

She came back in a little bit later and started on a very long and very insane rant about how hard it is being a mother, how my BF had apparently broken her heart as a teenager with his depression and how at the time he had wanted to use his phone/the Internet to talk to his friends (which was wild because during that time period in BF's life they were living with her physically violent schizophrenic partner and she hadn't even given BF a bed to sleep in, only a broken old air mattress that would deflate completely overnight so obviously he was depressed and wanting to escape reality) how I'm full of shit about my PTSD diagnosis, every professional that has ever diagnosed me with PTSD is full of shit too, that there's absolutely nothing mentally wrong with me and I'm just making it all up, how it's my job to make her son happy and if I'm not doing that I have no use. I don't remember the rest of it because I was highly triggered and eventually began to dissociate. Eventually she left the sleepout and me and BF discussed going home as soon as possible.

The next day I of course had to go and apologize to her, because why wouldn't I. She was apparently deeply offended that I had accused her of lying and that had justified all her actions. Whatever. I smoothed things over even though I shouldn't have had to.

Me and BF were able to get home without incident. He has been back since, I have not. You are probably going to say "why didn't BF put a stop to it?!" because I can absolutely assure you from past experiences, he couldn't have. Once that woman gets going, there is no stopping her. Things would have only continued escalating. He did back me up and take my side, and we were able to work together to get home safely. He understands why I won't be going back. All is fine on that front. It's actually worked very much in my favor that MIL took things so far right in front of his eyeballs, because now I will never feel any pressure from him to play happy families with MIL again.

Anyway. Fast forward to present day.

Several months ago, MIL sent me a text message apologizing for this incident and her behavior. She lamented that I'll probably never visit again but that she understood why. I messaged back thanking her for apologizing and that there are no promises but I'll think about it (I said this mostly just to keep the peace because I don't want any more drama, not necessarily out of sincerity).

Now BF is currently down visiting her and she wants me to go there too and she'll pay for it. I have told her I'll think about it. I don't want to go. She'll be seeing me when she drops BF home anyway so I don't know why I need to go there. She is very good at making people feel like they're in the wrong, not her, and consequently I still doubt myself.

I truly just don't understand why she supposedly wants me there. I don't understand why I have to be put in a position to say no. I don't know how to say no without causing another big drama. I feel like if I say no I'll be the bad guy somehow for "holding onto the past" or "not forgiving and forgetting" or "holding grudges" or some other such nonsense. I actually don't hold any malice, I just simply don't want to ever be in any situation that makes me feel physically or emotionally unsafe.

Any advice on how to say no without this blowing up in my face would be greatly appreciated.

So I made a few posts now, and a lot of the advice said to embrace my mama bear, enforce my boundaries, and most importantly drop the rope!! I cannot thank you guys enough for that advice, and since my last post I have dropped the rope and found more personal peace in motherhood. My MIL has crossed so many boundaries to play mommy and actively avoided me at all cost. As I said in my last post, I tried to have a direct line of communication with her, but she continued to triangulate around me. So everyone suggested I drop the rope.

Since then, I’ve let her know that she can solely communicate with her son, I no longer want a relationship with her, and that I will be very distant. Ironically since then she does not stop messaging me. I have held up my word and do not respond to her. Lo and behold she is the victim again. She will ask my partner extremely personal questions about me, and tries to keep tabs on me. Our relationship has zero privacy as my partner tells her everything from finances, medical situations involving our son, and other personal issues. It is enmeshment by definition.

For example, I had to take our 6 month old son to the ER, and two weeks afterwards she lit into my partner expressing how upset she was that we didn’t tell her that we took him until two weeks later. How is that any of her business? Why do you feel entitled to immediate reports on our child? Another example, my mom had passed in a very traumatic way when I was a child and my father was imprisoned, I’ve never sat down and told my story to his side of the family, but he did. So she’ll go and ask him about my traumas and what my relationship with my dad looks like. She will triangulate these questions through my partner, and I will specifically say I’m not comfortable answering that question for her. I’ll also ask why is she asking you these personal questions about me? My partner will say “…because she cares about you and is uncomfortable asking you yourself. “ Weird. In my mind if I’m not comfortable asking a personal question to the source, I’m not going to ask people around them. It feels like monitoring and triangulation, not genuine care.

I’m finding it really difficult to understand why she does the exact opposite of my boundaries every single time. All of my boundaries for my newborn… crossed. When I tried to lay down expectations for communication, she avoided me and only messaged my partner. Now that I tell her to message my partner as she preferred, now she wants to message me and use my silence as ammo to be a victim.

Now her flying monkeys are coming to me saying how she’s frustrated that I won’t talk to her and how it’s wrong. But when I would practically beg for her to talk to me, she avoided it. Nobody saw any wrong in that. But when I do it, even after setting that expectation with her, it’s wrong? It’s such a passive aggressive game. One that I don’t want to play. I’m going to hold my ground, because she is not a woman that I want a relationship with or anything to do with. I feel like I’m in a really good place now that I don’t have communication with her and I don’t see her as often. She doesn’t have the same access to my son and doesn’t have the opportunity to play mommy anymore. I will continue to stay no contact, even if it makes me the villain, because at the end of the day, I have peace. My only issue now is the constant triangulation, monitoring, and entitlement over my son.

Any advice on how to move forward?

I took time off of work after talking to my partner about Labor Day. I asked him if he had it off, he said yes and I said great I will take it off work too with the intention of doing something together. This was months ago.

For context please see previous posts for NC

I am pretty much NC with JNMIL haven’t spoken to her since she tried telling him I was being disrespectful for cutting her off. I sent her a text regarding all of the horrible shit and she said “I’m sorry you feel that way” whatever. His last time seeing her was Father’s Day.

This past weekend I had brought up we should do something as he has been extremely busy with work…basically coming home, eating dinner, and back to the home office to finish up stuff from the day. Yesterday at dinner he drops it on me that they’re having people over he should come (private group chat with FIL/JNMIL, DH) and he tells me he’s gonna go. I’m irritated.

I’m thinking a lot of things….

Why tf did I take work off then if we are not going to make plans? And why are you entertaining this lack of acknowledgement and ownership of how she’s treated me and sweeping it under the rug? If I was invited why was it a private GC without me? And why do I feel like I’m being placed on the back burner because it’s been months since he’s seen her but that’s to her own fault?

Lately it’s been really sad because I’ve basically just been coming home and he’s sucked into work stuff or playing on his phone and I was actually looking forward to this. He says why can’t we just do something during the day and I go over there for dinner? It’s just irritating. The whole thing. I just feel like if it was him in my position I would be handling it so much different. A lot of what I’m feeling I think is resentment for past mistakes of handling this but I can’t help but to feel like she’s trying to make her way back in and start things up again

We just got home from an extended stay with my in-laws, and living together that long completely changed how I feel about future visits. They live in a different state which is 3hrs on plane.

For context, we’re Asian (Indian). Staying with family when visiting is culturally normal for us, so “just get a hotel” would absolutely be interpreted as a statement that something is wrong.

I have a 5-month-old, and the biggest issue is that I feel like my MIL has zero respect for me as his mother or for anything I tell her about my own baby.

I’ll say, “He’s tired, he needs to sleep,” and she’ll immediately say, “No he’s not!” If he cries, she’ll announce, “Oh, it’s his feeding time!” even if I literally fed him 45 minutes ago. No, he isn’t hungry. I know when I fed my child.

Another example is, me telling her for MONTHS that rubbing his eyes is one of his tired cues. During this trip she suddenly announced, “Oh! He rubs his eyes when he’s tired!” like she had just discovered it herself. This happens constantly. I tell her something and she either doesn’t listen or later acts like nobody ever told her.

She’s also SO loud. My baby would finally be asleep and she’d be talking loudly nearby. I asked if we could please use our indoor voices because he was sleeping and she responded, “This IS my indoor voice.” 🙃

She makes lots of loud repetitive baby noises at him too, which is whatever, but then makes petty comments implying my husband and I don’t talk to him enough. I talk to my baby all day! I just speak to him conversationally instead of doing “goo goo ga ga.”

By the end of the trip, I felt like I was constantly having to defend completely normal parenting decisions. It wasn’t helpful, it was exhausting. Like she told me and my husband to go on date night. We came back at 11pm and he is on the play mat PLAYING! I grabbed him and was like okay time for bed! He fell asleep right away. I was furious she let him stay awake that late!

My husband has been oblivious, saying “just let them have their time with him, they never see him,” meaning let his mom and dad do whatever.

Since coming home, the difference has been wild. My son seems so happy to have peace and quiet again. He slept 9 hours straight last night and has been taking long 1–2 hour naps. He’s also getting over a cold with a snotty nose/cough, and despite all the intense grandma energy during the visit, my in-laws haven’t even called or texted to ask how he’s doing.

Here’s my dilemma: my husband wants MIL to come stay with us for a few WEEKS next year to “help” with the baby.
Before this trip I might have agreed. Now? Absolutely not. Even the idea of a weekend makes me tense. Someone who constantly contradicts me about my own child and makes maintaining his routine harder is not “help.”

I don’t want this to become “your mom vs. me,” but extended stays simply do not work for me. I told my husband about extended stays and told him he can go back to see friends and family for long weekends, but me and baby will not be joining.

For anyone with similar family/cultural dynamics, how did you handle future visits? Did you set hard limits on length? And how did you get your spouse to understand that having MIL stay for weeks would create MORE work, not less?

Sup.

So my MIL has done and said endless crappy things and EITHER doesn’t seem to realise how messed up it is OR fully understands what she’s doing. If it was up to me, I’d never see her again!
So, we wrote a letter to her (via text) laying it ALLLL out, point by point, what she’s done, the impact, why it’s not ok, etc.
We’ve now not heard from her since…

Keep in mind, this woman is enmeshed with her sons (but my husband isn’t enmeshed with her..), rings and texts overly frequently, has been hassling us to see our baby… and now suddenly it’s stopped.
Never in the entirety of my relationship with my husband have I ever witnessed this before 🫣

Is she embarrassed? If she pissed off? Is she offended? Is she having an awakening/realisation? (Ha)

I’m uncomfortable with them because she once told me, as an adult, “I’m your mother, I’m allowed to touch your hair.” And I said “No, you’re not.” And she responded “When did that stop? When you were 2? ‘Mom don’t touch me anymore!’” And I said “As soon as I started being able to say no and take care of my own hair.”

Now much later, on FaceTime with my son, she says “Aw, I wish I could hold you!!” “I wish I could hold you!” and “Are you going to give me a kiss?” And “I have to come see you so I can hold you!”

When we visit grandma a few times/year, she is the biggest baby hog, wants to do all of the baby care, hold him all the time. She once looked at him and said “I’m your Mama’s Mama! Your Mama’s Mama!” And when he cries she says “Want me to take him?” (Away from my arms) 😠😠