Like many of you, I find myself in the ‘burned idealist’ category of cynic. Even as my growing dread manifests in resentment of humanity, I find myself very easily charmed by people I meet or just see online. I find it very hard to not see the good in people, or to not want to see the good it people. I adore art, in many forms, and regret not having the opportunity to dedicate my life to art.

There’s a beauty in how unwavering our yearning for beauty can be. How people whose houses have been turned to rubble can find something (albeit between long periods of suffering and distress nobody should endure) to make them smile or make them feel hopeful.

I realize the world will always have light - however uneven, fragmented and dim. But as I get older, I wonder if I’ll still be able to see it. Not because collapse will vanquish it, but because it will vanquish my will to see it.

From this possibility, my brain has conjured an attitude that’s beginning to atrophy me on its own. Intensified by a wish to be freed of this nebulous, all-consuming dread, I decided I wouldn’t make myself live through a world without beauty. Not even out of a burning suicidal ideation in the present, it’s more ruthlessly rational. Because this world has already broken my heart so deeply, and even beyond fighting for survival, I dread how much more the future will break me. That’s a kind of death to me. I don’t want the humanity I fell in love with to be nothing more than a memory.

But, trying to live my day-to-day life with these thoughts in the back of my head is impossible. Ironically but predictably dulling my sensation to beauty in the present. Dampening my motivation to build anything. How could I ever let someone fall in love with me if this is in the back of my head. It’s unthinkable to me - to ask someone for their life while planning to take my own. My career in public work, which I pursued “to make the world a better place” feels like a circus. A bunch of well-meaning people deliberating over where to place furniture while a bombs heading for the roof. My general despondency and natural fatigue from modern life leave inadequate time for my creative pursuits, which feel similarly pointless even upon completion.

My escape plan is killing my life before my very eyes. But the alternative - planning to live however long I’ll live - just brings me back to where I started. In doing so replacing greying, depressive vacancy with guttural, anxious hyper-awareness. Which, as we all know, presents its own set of impediments to daily life.

The answer of “What do I have to live for?” decides itself. I realize that now. And I still don’t know what to do.

Im so fucking sick about hearing about “climate solutions”.

Just because It *can* get better doesn't mean it *will*. Climate activist and scientists have been saying that “ we have solutions To avoid the 1.5 threshhold!!! This isn’t inevitable, we just need to implement them!!! ", but they weren't implemented. Because half the fucking planet doesnt even believe in this shit. And now they‘re saying "ok fine it's inevitable that the globe will overheat but we can still stop it if we implement these new solutions!1!1!1" As if every government in the world will come together and suddenly stop what they're doing and care. Of course not, especially not with the current leadership creating data centers that are fucking destroying our ecosystem further. It is blatantly unrealistic to expect that just going vegan, buying less, recycling when people cant even tell the bins apart and emailing people who dont give a shit will offset the amount of sludge produced by a single data center, let alone the worlds fossil fuels. Sure, the world *CAN* change, the same way I *CAN* just win the lottery, the same way any billionaire *CAN* just change their mind and decide that maybe they do care about the people the share the planet with. But the chances of that? Bullshit. And dont tell me to have hope, I HAD HOPE!!!! I HAD HOPE THAT IT WOULD NEVER REACH THIS POINT AND IT STILL DID. Hope with no real, substantial action is worthless. The only real solution is if somehow the people in power letting this happen *get what they deserve*, otherwise, these microscopic "changes" you make by walking in 110 degree weather instead of driving a car is just a useless attempt at placating yourself and feeling like you're doing good when really you're just as complicit and every other citizen in letting this happen. This is bullshit. I want change so bad but after a certain point theres really nothing left to do unless you wanna martyr yourself.

My view; the world is fucked but there are things we can do to change it...but the people who can or could change things won't...so we're fucked.

I'm a 21M who was abused from 2017 to 2023, in that time I autopiloted my life almost to when I started getting out in 2021.

From 2023 to 2026 that auto pilot ness came back as uni did fuck all to help as they didn't critique you and told you "it's there, ✌️" and that was it for post uni stuff.

So safe to say I've not been existing for most of my life and to be in 2026, with dreams and finally having a function with wanting to grow and change...the world is passed or close to getting passed an unavoidable point and life just is not going to exist whatsoever in the years to come.

Fucking brilliant.

It sucks to look in a mirror and see myself which I am barely grasping who that is to then realise anything I ever went through was pointless and I should've ended it all back when I first got the idea than lean into hope and optimism and perseverance and all that shit.

Like...deadass this makes me believe in past lives cause what the fuck did I do to deserve this "existence".

I have dreams but at this point holy shit they're going to stay being a pit in my heart and all that shite.

Like...what's the point or whatever?

I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this other than maybe direction as that's something I clearly have on a rocky surface at this point over believing my dreams are possible or just concepts and ideas that are not really fun to avoid watching it all go down and suffering ever much more than I already have.

So yeah, fun shit :D

I have seen hundreds of posts regarding the u.n.’s announcement that climate change has passed a point of no return, and that “we let this happen” “we should’ve listened” but I’m trying so fucking hard and it doesn’t matter because what I do will always be overshadowed by the 1%.

I don’t drive. I avoid AI. I only buy my clothes and homewares secondhand or from small businesses. I don’t regularly eat meat. I don’t consume dairy. I buy my eggs directly from farmers. I buy my produce from a farmers market. I walk everywhere and catch public transport if I need to go a further distance. I am only 18 years old but I cannot see the point in continuing living on this planet. You want a smaller population? Because lately it feels like everyone just wants society gone and hey, I’m in that society. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was a child myself. But now? I can’t do that. I can’t inflict that. What’s the point in having hopes? Dreams?