r/oneliners • u/OhTheHueManatee • 18h ago
My optometrist says I’m not looking so good, my gastroenterologist says I need to get my shit together, but at least my oncologist says I’m showing real growth.
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r/oneliners • u/benjimans • 1d ago
Why do people still use imperial when the metric system is objectively 10/10?
29
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r/oneliners • u/hishamsait • 1d ago
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
50
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 1d ago
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
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r/oneliners • u/Denz292 • 2d ago
My doctor recently told me I was colour blind, which shocked me because it came out of the grey.
78
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r/oneliners • u/whaddayagondo • 1d ago
“Sorry I was late to work, there was bumper to bumper traffic at the Dunkin’ drive-thru.”
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 2d ago
After unprotected sex with a stranger I joked that Oh ! shit I forgot my HIV pills then she said "No worries ,you can use mine" 🥲
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 5d ago
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the name of a musical instrument often goes undetected.
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 6d ago
Lowe's has 50 feet of rope on sale for $1, but I just hate long, good buys.
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r/oneliners • u/awesome_smokey • 8d ago
I've never before raised my hand to the wife, but when crashed my brand new car I slapped her so hard across the face, she rolled right off the coroner's table.
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r/oneliners • u/Revolutionary_Bad313 • 9d ago
I turned my oven to 180 degrees, now I can't get the door open.
89
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r/oneliners • u/Superb-Control5184 • 8d ago
Downsizing sounds like a bad thing but for movies like the wizard of oz it was essential
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 9d ago
Life is too short to learn from your own mistakes, so I learn from the mistakes of those who have taken my advices. 😂
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r/oneliners • u/dunderthrowaway3 • 9d ago
Say what you will about blind sex workers, but you have to hand it to them.
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 10d ago
I'm so good at running but still I don't have any medal because I run from responsibilities and accountability.
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r/oneliners • u/dunderthrowaway3 • 10d ago
You know where the "Big Apple" is, but do you know where the Minneapolis?
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r/oneliners • u/sulldanivan • 9d ago
Quit bragging about doing “long division“ and admit you couldn’t do it “back in the day” either.
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 11d ago
Before posting check your spelling as there's very little margarine for error.
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 11d ago
I met a bishop but I suspect that he's an imposter, not once did he move diagonally.
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r/oneliners • u/Run_MCID37 • 11d ago
I either have to jump from here or climb down safely and I think I'd prefer the ladder
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